Synaptic

In this course, students learned how to employ the methods that anthropologists use to carry out research, from interviewing to participant observation. Early in the semester, students chose a sub-culture to document. I chose Emma’s paper for both its engaging writing style and its very interesting content. She documents the lives of gay college students, and does so through an engaging writing style that brings the reader into the lives of her informants.

-Jeffrey Bass

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“It basically felt like they were shopping for a new handbag, and you happened to be the newest, latest, most trendy style.”

– Roderich

Introduction:

It is never easy to go against the norm. It can be emotionally, physically, and mentally taxing to fight against what one has been taught is correct one’s whole life. For many in the Midwestern United States, this “correct” path seems to be the stereotypical “American Dream”; you meet the man or woman of your dreams, you get married, buy a house together, and have at least 2 kids. However, this dream is not so easy for everyone to achieve, especially if he or she happens to be gay. Last semester, I had a chance to observe some of these difficulties first hand while studying the micro culture of gay male college students.

Since I was close with some men involved in this community, it made it much easier to find informants. I asked two of my friends, both of whom are “out” (openly express their sexual orientation) and attend a small liberal arts college, if they would be my informants for the semester. My informants, who will be referred to as Roderich and Simon respectively (both pseudonyms), and I meet several times a week.

During our meetings I conducted informal interviews and asked questions about folk terms and the gay college community in general. I focused specifically on the gay community on a small liberal arts college campus and rural, more conservative communities, like the ones my informants live and study in, in the Midwest. During these meetings, I carried out participant observation and did an unstructured interview with my informant Roderich. During my participant observation, my informants completed free listing, pile, and triadic sorting exercises in order to elicit more information. I also completed a direct observation exercise in which I studied how individuals in a small, rural, conservative college town would react to a male-to-male public display of affection (hand holding) close to the center of town. The findings of my research led me to conclude that college-aged gay men, particularly those studying at a small liberal arts college, face a variety of challenges different from those their heterosexual counterparts face and that these men have many ways of coping with these difficulties.

Ethnographic Findings:

Over the course of the semester, I identified several aspects of my informants lives as gay students that they found challenging. These challenges are described in the following sections in order from those seen as most to least challenging for my informants. They include: coming out (how it’s done and how people respond to these men once they do), dating (especially online), and finding their place within a “tribes”. Finally, things that are considered to be general issues faced by all gay men are addressed at the end of the section, including: fear of hate crimes, difficulties with people’s religious beliefs (both the beliefs of gay men and those of the people they interact with), stereotyping, and the rise of the “GBF” (or gay best friend), as well as self-acceptance and the popular view that homosexuality is a choice.

Coming Out: Contexts in Which It’s Done

One of the first, and possibly biggest, challenges a gay man faces is the decision to “come out”, or reveal his sexual orientation to his family, friends, and acquaintances. Though there is the common idea that coming out has to be a specific sit down talk, there are many other ways gay men choose to communicate their sexual orientation, which vary greatly based upon the context in which a person comes out. According to Simon and Roderich, their methods for coming out often changed according to the type of relationship they had developed with the person. Though a man’s close family and friends might experience “the coming out talk”, newer friends probably would not. Often, my informants will mention their orientation in casual conversation or will slip hints into a discussion with new acquaintances. Simon mentioned that his boss and many of his coworkers discovered he was gay because they heard him mention it during a conversation with another coworker. This informal way of coming out is incredibly popular with my informants (and, according to them, other gay men who are already out with their family and friends), and many new friends and acquaintances get a more casual treatment than if they had known Simon or Roderich when they were first exploring their new sexual orientation.

The way my informants utilize the casual conversation method differs greatly between them. The main reason for this discrepancy between Roderich and Simon is due to the way they are viewed by society. Coming out is a bit easier for Roderich because his demeanor more closely conforms to the common stereotypical perception of how a gay man behaves. For example, he is more flamboyant and makes more comments referencing his sexuality than Simon does. Simon, on the other hand, is often mistaken for a straight man, which is very frustrating for him. It makes it difficult for him to communicate his orientation to potential romantic partners, and he is hit on by girls, meaning he has to come out more often than Roderich does. Both Roderich and Simon, when questioned, said that the way someone acts should not be the definitive way of figuring out his sexual orientation, though it can be a hint to probe further to see if a person communicates their orientation in other ways. Both informants consider assuming someone’s sexual orientation because of their demeanor to be extremely rude and an inaccurate way to truly discover a person’s orientation.

Since Simon’s demeanor doesn’t lead most people to deduce his sexual orientation, he communicates his sexual orientation in a different way than Roderich. Simon mentioned when he began the process of his “big” coming out (the first time he began publicly presenting himself as a gay man, but after he had come out to his close friends and family) and he was meeting new people, he would drop hints about his orientation during a game called “20 questions”. During this game, he would supply questions for the person to ask him. In this way, he would guide the person to the realization that he was gay, but he wouldn’t tell him or her himself. He would make this new person ask if he was gay before he would confirm he it. Now that he has been out for a few years, Simon seems more willing to allow the topic to come up at random or will hint at it by saying things like, “Wow, that guy is really cute, don’t you think?” Roderich does not usually have any problem coming out to people that he meets. Since he behaves in a more stereotypical way, he says that most people usually assume that he is gay.

There are certain places where Roderich and Simon do not feel the need to come out, for example, in their classes at school. While on campus at their college, neither Roderich nor Simon feels the need to come out to people they are not personally connected with. Neither feels the need to discuss their orientation with their professor unless they are particularly friendly with that faculty member. If their sexual orientation comes up in class, it will usually come up during a class discussion (brought up by Roderich or Simon), or will be mentioned in a paper if relevant to the topic being written about. For example, one of Simon’s fraternity brothers discovered that he was gay because he was helping Simon edit one of his papers for a class in which he was discussing his sexual orientation. Their sexual orientation is something quite private for them because they want to be known for who they are, not for who they are attracted to.

Social media websites, however, are very different from university classes. Roderich and Simon are both very open about their sexual orientation on their social media websites, like Facebook, for instance. Social media provides a new platform on which gay men can communicate their sexual orientation and its use seems to be prevalent among college-aged gay men. Simon mentioned that one of his coworker discovered his orientation because he had changed his preferences on Facebook from “is interested in women” to “is interested in men”. The act of putting his sexual orientation online can be an extremely important symbolic step for college-aged gay men. Making things “Facebook official” is huge for my generation. It gives something a new level of validity because this information is available to everyone you are friends with (and, depending on how public your profile is, people you aren’t friends with) can see this information on your profile. It is easily accessible.

Coming Out: The Responses

One of the most stressful times in a gay man’s life is waiting to see how someone will respond to him after coming out. In order to identify the range of responses that gay men face, I had Roderich and Simon participate in a free listing exercise in which they listed all the possible ways someone might react upon discovering a gay man’s sexual orientation. After they had completed their lists, I asked them to organize these responses into positive, negative, and neutral categories, where it became apparent there were far more negative responses than positive or neutral. Simon and Roderich had several common responses in relation to how people reacted to them coming out, including: the person not being supportive, being shocked, confused or unsure of how to respond, and being offended by the person coming out. These seem to be common responses gay men fear when they decide to come out.

It was interesting to note that, according to Roderich, a person trying too hard to be supportive, something he called “hyper-normalcy”, fell into the negative category. In his experience, he has found when a person tries too hard to be accepting, even if they are completely loving and tolerant, it can be very uncomfortable for the person who has come out. He said it’s just strange when a person acts like nothing has changed even though both of them (the gay man and the person they have come out to) know things are not the same.

Another thing Roderich touched on was the feeling of grief, loss, or just a general sadness as a response. He classified these as neutral responses, stating, “These people might have to come to terms with losing a part of a dream they might have had. For example, a dad might have been dreaming of walking his daughter down the aisle for years, but now he has to give up that dream. It’s not what you thought it was going to be, and you have to grieve for that lost part of yourself.” It is important to note that the responses Simon and Roderich listed are responses they would expect from anyone they come out to. They could not think of any responses that would be unique to a college professor, a roommate, or classmates, and both pointed out that responses are so varied that it becomes difficult to list all of the possible responses to this situation.

Dating: Challenges and Strategies

After coming out, the next big challenge for my informants, and one of the topics we discussed the most, is dating. Roderich and Simon both live on campus at a small liberal arts college located in a relatively small, conservative Midwestern community, which means that their dating pool is extremely limited. It can also be a bad idea for members of a gay community this limited to date each other because of the potential for drama. In order to illustrate this, Roderich recounted a story of a friend who dated another gay man on campus that ended in a bad break up. According to him, these two men do not talk to each other and can hardly stand to be in the same room. Although the gay community on his campus is small, it still provides Roderich with more of an opportunity to connect with other gay men than when he is at home. During an unstructured interview, he mentioned,

The community I grew up in, I was the first openly gay man in my high school’s history. Several people had come out after their graduation, but I was the first one to come out in the high school. And I was the only gay man in a twenty-mile radius. The only reason it wasn’t a larger radius is because I live less than twenty-miles from [the large state university], where they have a fairly significant LGBT community on campus. It felt kind of isolating. I mean, I didn’t know if there was anyone else like me. And it felt very lonely for a while because I… The dating pool was obviously nonexistent in my school, and so I’d have to look outside. And I actually met Tyler, my first boyfriend, at an honor band audition. And the only reason I could tell was because he was fitting every single stereotype I knew, and that’s how I got the courage to talk to him.

Due to the threat of the drama associated with on campus dating, both of my informants prefer to look off campus for potential partners. For Simon, most of the other gay men he’s met have been through mutual friends. He believes that most gay men meet each other either through friends or at social gatherings, like bars or at conferences for gay rights. However, dating seems more difficult for Simon than Roderich because he does not behave as stereotypically, meaning his sexuality is not as immediately obvious to potential romantic partners. This makes it a bit more difficult for him to meet other gay men if there is no personal connection already, which can be through a friend or acquaintance or meeting them because of an LGBTQ+ group on campus.

In order to combat the issues of the limited dating pool on a small campus (and the difficulties due to being less obviously gay), my informants use online resources, like dating websites or apps like Tinder or Grindr, to meet other gay men. Meeting people online, however, has a different connotation than it does if you meet them through a friend or by chance. According to Simon, when you meet someone through an app like Grindr (an app for meeting other gay men, or, as Roderich puts it, “…a tracking service for other gay men” that allows you to message other users) or an online dating site, there is more of a sexual connotation. This is especially true with apps like Grindr and Tinder. When a man uses these apps, there is the implication that he is looking for a “hook-up”, not a friendship or a more substantial relationship. Simon and Roderich both find it difficult to meet people online for a more serious relationship because of these often unspoken expectations.

There is also a slight implication that something is wrong with you if you can’t meet someone to date in real life. It’s almost shameful to use an app or an online website. Though the stigma isn’t quite as strong as it is in the heterosexual community, it’s still there. According to Simon, most men that he has found on online dating sites are individuals that would be considered undesirable in the dating scene outside of the internet. For example, they have strange fetishes, don’t have a pleasant personality, or aren’t physically attractive, and he is slightly embarrassed about being online for that reason. He is online because he has such a small dating pool in real life, not because he has something wrong with him. Roderich believes that the stigma of online dating is more present with the use of apps which have a “hook-up” connotation because, even though some are advertised as “dating” apps, they are mainly used as a place to find a hook-up.

Tribes: Used in Dating

Tribes in the Gay Male Community	Body Type Tribes	Bear	Older Bear
			Cub
		Otter
		Jock
		Geek
		Twink
		Clean Cut
	Kink Tribes	Leather	Regular Leather
			BDSM/Bondage
		Daddy
		Discreet	In a relationship
			Closeted
		Rugged
	Poz
	Trans

An important part of the online dating community is the use of “tribes” in order to classify people. I first discovered the existence of these tribes during a meeting with Roderich while he was using his phone to browse Grindr. He explained how the app was set up and how to create a profile, showing me a long list of tribes a person can choose to include on his profile. According to Simon and Roderich, the reason that tribes are so important in these instances is because they allow an individual to get a rough guess of how a potential partner looks physically. It can also help them get an idea of how someone will behave and a small glimpse into their personality.

The body type tribes are, of course, defined by body type, including: the amount of fat or muscle a person has, the amount of hair a person has, height, and age, with most individuals in this group 35 or younger. The kink tribes are defined as: daddy (an older man 50+ years of age, or an older man with a younger partner) and discrete (someone who isn’t “out of the closet”). Discretes could also possibly be in another relationship and don’t want their partner to know or are questioning their sexuality. These individuals don’t want to make their identity public, but still want to be part of the LGBT community. Other kink tribes include: leather (individuals who are turned on by leather or who are interested in bondage or BDSM, the sexual act of tying up one’s partner), and rugged (which was defined as a lumberjack type fantasy, a very strong man with facial hair). There are also two tribes that do not fit in either the kink or body type categories. They are: poz (HIV positive) and trans (a transgender individual).

Men can choose their tribes based on the parameters above or what feels the most comfortable for them. A man’s demeanor can also help determine what tribe he would best fit into. For example, both of my informants mentioned that men and boys that fit into the “twink” category tend to be more effeminate and are expected to be the bottoms (the partner who is penetrated during sexual intercourse) in the sexual relationship. Men who fit into categories such as “rugged” are expected to be a “man’s man” and be more dominant and aggressive and top (the partner who penetrates during sexual intercourse).

Most of the tribes, especially the body type tribes, were defined by my informants as having an age limit on them, generally a person up to their early to mid-30’s. I questioned my informants about this age limit and what happens to a man who had identified as a certain tribe once he passed the age limits they had specified. Simon and Roderich seemed puzzled by my question. Both mentioned they had never considered what would happen or how they would self-identify in the future. Simon mentioned these tribes are mainly used during the search for a partner, and a man is not likely to be as involved in the dating scene once they have reached their 30’s. He also mentioned that, though they might not be in the dating pool at the time they pass these age limits, they might rejoin at a later time as part of a different tribe.

For my informants, a man’s tribe is fairly fluid. A man often chooses what tribe he identifies with and can move from one to another fairly easily because it is a reflection of who he is and how he sees himself. According to Simon, “You’re not necessarily stuck in one thing. Your tribe changes as you change.” While a man is still in college, his tribe is still extremely important in his search for a partner. Tribal membership becomes less important once he is in a committed relationship. According to Simon, kink tribes remain important even after a man enters a dating relationship because kink tribes deal with sexual preferences which will continue to be expressed within a dating relationship.

According to my informants, there seems to be a fairly high demand for twinks, especially within the Midwestern gay community. Twinks seem to fulfill the more stereotypical image of gay men. They are more effeminate, look younger, are more slender, and tend to be the bottom in the sexual relationship. They also seem to be the foil to the bear category. Bears are bigger, older, and hairy. These two groups appear to be the most popular within the college-aged gay community, and are the two tribes I have heard mentioned most often during my ethnographical research, both inside and outside of it.

In addition to this apparent cross over between the kink and body type tribes there also appears to be some tribes that are very closely related to others. The otter tribe seems to be one of these. It almost seems to be a filler tribe. It is separate from other categories, but it is also very closely related to both the bear and jock tribes. In fact, when Roderich was describing the otter tribe to me, he stated that they were basically a combination of the bear and jock tribes. They are not exactly chubby like a bear, nor are they as athletic as a jock would be. They are more hairy than a jock, but less so than a bear. Tribes like this were harder to explore because they were not often mentioned during my interviews with my informants.

Other Challenges Gay Men Face:

Once gay college students have become more integrated into the gay community, there are even more challenges they face. One of the biggest fears for my informants is that they are going to become victims of a hate crime. This is especially worrying to Roderich. He believes his fear to be slightly irrational because he is quite safe on his college campus, but it is something he worries about when he is off campus. He referenced Matthew Shepard’s story as the main reasons for his fear. Matthew Shepard was a young gay man living in Wyoming in the early 90s who was killed after meeting two homophobic strangers in a bar one evening. These men took Matthew out into the country, tied him to a fence post, beat him, and left him for dead. Roderich became very emotional while recounting this story and said, “I was just shocked that someone would do that to another human being over something so trivial. I mean, he wasn’t flirting with these men, he wasn’t forcing his sexuality upon this guys, but these guys were closed-minded and bigoted enough that they would do what they did. I mean, thankfully, they were convicted of murder, so Matthew Sheppard’s family did get justice, but… Just that fact that someone would do that to another human being astounds me.” This fear has prevented him from public displays of affection, like holding hands, hugging, or kissing another male, without fear of someone nearby reacting in a negative manner.

Religion can be one of the biggest conflicts for gay men both because of their religious beliefs and because of the beliefs of their loved ones. Many gay men are shunned by their faith communities or are even thrown out of them all together. Roderich, for example, was banned from his church youth group because of his sexual orientation. He also felt extremely uncomfortable attending church functions, including services, once he came out. Additionally, he received hate mail from one of his more extreme religious acquaintances telling him he was going to hell. These reactions impacted him so negatively that he no longer attends church. Although the church near his college is much more accepting than the church he grew up in, Roderich stated he is too afraid of putting himself out and making himself vulnerable only to be shunned again. He would rather have not religious community than to put himself through that sort of emotional pain again.

While problems with religious beliefs often leave a gay man feeling alone and isolated, he may also begin to face problems with people becoming too interested in him because of his sexual orientation. Roderich had numerous issues with this kind of “hyper-attachment” when he first came out. He hypothesized that these girls liked him because he behaves in a more stereotypical way and is an ideal candidate for a “GBF”, or gay best friend, popularized by the mainstream media. He was often approached by people he had never talked to before who wanted to be his best friend. He said this was distressing because, “The reality is I’m just another…I’m just another guy. Granted, I like other guys and don’t mind going shopping or for Starbucks or anything like that, but I don’t want that to be the sole reason someone wants me as their friend.” He wanted to be seen as a human being, but he felt as if he was being treated like a new fashion accessory. These girls did not care for him for any reason other than because he was gay. “It basically felt like they were shopping for a new handbag, and you happened to be the newest, latest, most trendy style,” he stated.

All of the difficulties listed above can play a role in the last challenge discussed here: self-acceptance. Many gay men find it difficult to accept themselves when they realize their sexual orientation. A man’s religious beliefs can play a large role in how difficult it is for him to accept himself as gay. If a man has been taught his whole life that homosexuality is a sin, he is less likely to accept his sexual orientation and will not come out of the closet. Fear is another reason many men refuse to come out. They may be afraid of how their families and friends will react to their sexual orientation or how they will be treated in public. They may even fear that they will be killed for being gay. It is also possible they could be in denial about their sexual orientation because many people view homosexuality as a choice.

Simon’s reaction to this subject was particularly forceful. I asked him if he believed there were any positives to being gay, and he responded, “Honestly, I can’t think of any, which is why I think people who say being gay is a choice are fucking morons… It is not an easy road that I’m on now. I didn’t choose it. But I’m going to be who I am.” Simon also disclosed that, if given the choice, he would choose to be straight. He does not feel very optimistic about his future as a gay man. Nevertheless, in spite of the difficulties they face, both Simon and Roderich declared they will continue to be who they are and they will never go back into the closet and will persist in their efforts to overcome the obstacles associated with being gay.

Conclusion:

This semester, I had my eyes opened to a world that I thought I knew. For example, before my conversations with my informants, I had no idea that coming out is a life-long process, and that it is not always the big “coming out” talk many people picture it to be. That conversation is usually reserved for a person’s family and close friends. Usually, a gay college student comes out in casual conversation. He might change his sexual orientation or come out via social media or make jokes about his sexual orientation to new friends. In spite of these varied ways in which my informants come out, they seem to expect a person to react negatively when they do so. They stated that the negative reactions to coming out are much more publicized and well known than the positive or neutral ones, so it is much easier to remember these kinds of reactions. I also realized that positive and negative reactions could be simplified into being supportive and unsupportive respectively. After a gay college student comes out, he begins to encounter more difficulties upon entering the gay community. One of the big problems is dating.

Both of my informants have difficulty with this because they attend a small liberal arts college where the LGBTQ+ community is very small. These difficulties are compounded because their school is located in a fairly small, conservative, rural community in the Midwest. There are several ways my informants overcome these limitations, including using online resources like dating sites and apps to find potential dating partners, and trying to meet new partners through friends or in public spaces. Though online resources are very useful to them, they bring another set of challenges for my informants to overcome. Although these online sources do not carry the same stigma that they do in the heterosexual community, there is still a question if there is something wrong with you if you have to use a dating site or app to meet people.

Through discussions about online dating, I discovered the use of tribes, which are used in dating in general and online dating specifically. In general, these tribes are used online in order to give potential partners an idea of how a person might look or what kind of kinks they might have before meeting. They can help a man narrow down his search for a partner fairly quickly. They can be broken down into body type tribes and kink tribes, and there are several classifications for each tribe like: amount of body fat, how muscular a man is, how much body hair he has, his sexual preferences (or kinks), and his age. These tribes seem to be used mainly by younger gay men, including college-aged gay men. My informants believe the tribes are specific to younger gay men because older gay men are no longer in the dating pool. They also emphasized the tribes are fluid and a person can change tribes as he changes. Once a person is in a relationship, his membership in a body type tribe becomes less important, though his kink tribes are still important.

In addition to these very specific issues gay college students deal with, there are several general problems they face that affect all gay men. These problems include things like fear of hate crimes and hate speech, which can lead to fears about openly showing affection with a significant other while in public. Religious beliefs are also a hurdle many gay men have to overcome. These men fear exile from their faith communities, hate from extreme religious groups, and even hate mail. Roderich, for example, felt extremely unwelcome in his church when he came out because of the judgments people made about his sexual orientation. Stereotypes are also a big challenge for my informants. If a gay man fits a certain stereotype, like Roderich who is more flamboyant and effeminate that Simon, they might be seen as a potential “GBF” (gay best friend). They are not seen for anything other than their sexual orientation. On the other hand, if a man does not fit the stereotype, like Simon, he could have trouble dating, might often be mistaken as straight, and might have to come out more often than men who fulfill the stereotype.

Possibly one of the biggest challenges gay men face is self-acceptance. These men might have difficulty accepting themselves and their sexual orientation for the reasons listed above. All of these challenges make life difficult for gay college students and make things that are easy for their heterosexual counterparts much harder for them. Many straight people take it for granted that they can adopt, get married, and easily buy a house while these simple things are still struggles for gay men. Both of my informants mentioned that life would be a lot easier for them if they were straight, but that they are going to continue to be who they are and keep looking for a person to share their life with. They will keep moving forward and learning how to overcome the problems they face both in college and off the college campus.